On The Subject of Your Fragility

Dear Friends,

When we’re addressing an act of racism or police brutality, our concentration is not necessarily on whether or not the person responsible is “a racist.” It is not always about labelling a person or a group of people. It is about affirming our human rights.

If that sounds counterintuitive try adding some bubble wrap to your fragility before reading any further…

As it relates to the collective black experience - things like implicit bias, police brutality, and disenfranchisement; as well as the
refusal of non-blacks to confront and correct these societal ails - the issue of whether or not someone (or a group) is intentionally bigoted is completely irrelevant.

You are not under attack if a black person is talking to you about racism – not even if they’re calling you out for your actions.

Recently a friend responded to a post referencing the “racism and violence” black people have endured, calling out the author on the insensitivity of the post and pointing out how it contributes to the issue at hand. Of course, due to the sensitivity of the topic, many people may interpret any mention of racism as a conflict. This exchange was no different. The author’s friends, all non-black, immediately rallied in defense, saying,

“This isn’t offensive in the least bit”

“I wouldn’t sweat it…Not worth the stress. You have every right to share your opinions.”

“I learned long ago that not all of them will like you, [they] will misunderstand you and even unfriend & bash you.”

All while the author was upset that she was called a racist. 

Mind you …noooooo one ever said this person was “a racist.” My friend simply pointed out that the author’s actions has a harmful impact on the black community. Whether or not the author is a good person doesn’t make that impact vanish.

It’s almost as if, the only way to give white people feedback is to not to give them feedback at all. Racial hierarchies tell white people that they are entitled to peace and deference.

When we call you out for your actions and you take it as a personal attack on your character, you are making the situation all about you and not the bigger picture of how all of us can take responsibility for our own role in racial injustices.

We can fall victim to the belief that someone “doesn’t have a racist bone in their body.” This can create a blind spot that leads us to
overlook the impact of their action and focus instead on their intentions. In other words, it trivializes the issue to a matter of separating “good guys” from “the bad guys” and lulls us into false sense of security that good people can’t possibly do something wrong.

Unfortunately, good people contribute to racial injustices every day –

Good friends sit back while their friends struggle.

Good cops watch bad cops commit crimes without intervening.

Good attorneys don’t prosecute heinous crimes.

If your fragility prevents you from facing the ways racial biases are manifested in your actions, you’ll never be able to change it. That
means you must shift your focus from your “good nature and intentions”, which prioritizes your feelings over the pain associated with your action. A much more positive and impactful outcome will be achieved when you focused your attention on addressing the very real, very valid concern about your contributions to racial bias and injustice.

Try stepping back and listening objectively when someone gives feedback.

If that makes you uncomfortable, it’s time to practice sitting with and learning from your discomfort instead of assuming that it means you’re under attack.

I think; therefore I am…not responsible for your fragility.