Not Every Sorry Is An Apology!

I received a text that read, “I am sorry for whatever I did to offend you…” Yeah, with the ellipsis!

Immediately I thought, “What is the point of this? How can you apologize, or better yet, be sorry for something you have no knowledge of doing?”

I sharply dismissed the empty offer, and the text messages that followed confirmed I was just in my response. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it takes a lot of courage to say, “I am sorry”. I also know that some people will never apologize. However, not every sorry is an apology.

When people apologize, they are often looking to get back to the way things were. They apologize to regain the time, attention and/or connection they once shared with the estranged party.  Apologies offered with this as the primary objective emanates from a place of bartering, i.e., offered to get something in return – back to the way things were! Apologies delivered with genuine sincerity, should come from a place of giving, not bartering. 

Here are the components of a meaningful apology.

1.      Acknowledgement of Responsibility. The identification of the action and its impact.

2.      Remorse and Empathy. An expression of regret and compassion for the feelings evoked.

3.      Offer of Restoration.  A plan to correct or make up for the infraction or to keep it from happening again.

4.     Request for Forgiveness.

Note: Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

An apology offered with the four (4) components identified above, “gives” the person that was wronged recognition, confession and concession.  It communicates, I hear/see you, I understand how you feel, and I plan to do better. It is primarily concerned with righting the wrong that was done.

Red flags to listen/look for in an apology

• They begin with or include:

               I’m sorry, but...

               I’m sorry that you…

               I’m sorry if I…

• There is no acknowledgement of wrong or responsibility for behavior. It makes light of the offense or makes the victim seem responsible for the offense.

• Constructed to infer that the offender was misjudged.

• There is no assurance that it will not happen again.

• Empty, non-committal, half-hearted and lacking specificity as in my opening example; for example,

I am sorry for the way things turned out.

I am sorry for what happened.

We have all been wronged at some time or another and may have received insincere apologies or no apology at all.  I have learned, and you should too, not to hold on to the hope of receiving apologies.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” ~Robert Brault

Apologies are difficult and require vulnerability. For some, it threatens their self-esteem — causes them to feel shame — and for that reason, some people will never apologize. Know that you cannot force someone to respect you or admit wrongdoing or apologize. That powers sits squarely with them.

I think; therefore, I am… genuinely sincere.