It's All Good In The Singlehood!
/Why are you still single?
When are you going to settle down and get married?
Its the holiday season, you likely have a bunch of gatherings to attend and you are single… someone is bound to ask. Whether you’ve always flown solo-dolo or are newly single, this time of year can test even the most contentedly independent. But why do you even need to field these questions?
The truth is, people sometimes get preoccupied with projecting their worldviews and life expectations onto others, so much so that they become fixated on things like relationship status. They often do so at the expense of focusing their energies on their own lives. If being single does not bother you, it shouldn’t be a bother for anyone. Here is why:
The freedom to be single, to create a path through life that does not look like everyone else’s, can be unsettling to people who feel more secure with fewer choices.” Dr. Bella DePaulo How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.
The prevailing assumption is that, people who are single are not single by choice - something must be wrong with them, they are not going about life right, they need help. That may very well be the case for some, but there are people, who, consciously choose singlehood as a lifestyle.
The reasons for choosing to be single are many and vary from person to person, but before I get into some of them, let’s get some house keeping items out of the way.
I am single not lonely and certainly not desperate!
The word “single” suggests lack. It means alone, detached and apart. However, this may be far from the truth for many people who are single. While their status may be “single” they are never alone, very connected and in the mix of it all. You know them and the terms of endearment you use to describe them.
Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation. On the flip side here, it is possible to be in a relationship with someone and still feel lonely—perhaps the most bitter form of loneliness one may experience. While there are those who are single but cannot relate to that feeling.
I am a person who is single, not single person.
When the adjective is put before the noun it defines the person by their relationship status and suggests permanence. There is much more to a person than being attached to another person…hopefully. When it appears after the verb it better describes the person’s current status (which of course can change from time to time). If you need to put an adjective before a noun when referencing me, make it a superficial one, like handsome 🤪.
You’ll never be happy in a relationship if you don’t know how to be happy by yourself.
As for the reasons people consciously choose singlehood as a lifestyle, here are three very valid reasons.
1. Singlehood works out better than traditional relationships for some.
Right now, my decisions are based on what I want to do and when I want to do it. I don’t need to worry about how someone else is going to feel about it. If I want to pack-up and move tomorrow, I can do that. There is nothing weighing me down. There are people who do not want to be bothered with the whole relationship set-up. You know, having to run things by someone or having to coordinate with someone. That’s one angle.
Another angle is that the non-monogamous single life works out better for some. There are those that like the spice of life that is variety. We should all appreciate the person that plays the field and stays single versus those who play the field while they are in a relationship.
2. Singlehood allows for self-investment
Besides the face value freedom, we usually ascribe to persons who are unattached, being single also allow people to meet their human growth and interpersonal needs. More alone time helps people discover who they are and what gives their life meaning and purpose. What people see as time by oneself is time FOR oneself. Singledom promotes individual freedom, personal control, self-realization and self-reliance. For instance, rather than having someone to count on, a person without a clutch must develop the skills needed to navigate whatever life sets in their path. This also lends itself to deciding for oneself what is personally most meaningful.
Finding your value is not tied to finding your mate.
In a study of 1,000 single people and 3,000 married people it was found that single people were more likely to report feeling that their life has been a continuous process of learning, changing, and growth and that they think it is important to have new experiences that challenge how you think about yourself and the world.
3. Singlehood does not prevent someone from enjoying all the trappings of a relationship without being in a relationship
Do I need to go into what these are? I don’t think so. I’ll allow your imagination to write the content for this bullet.
Single life can be tremendously fulfilling and meaningful. Of course, this does not mean that only single people have access to the kinds of positive emotional and growth experiences explored in this post. It also does not mean not that all single people get to enjoy all these constructive possibilities. What I am addressing is the fact that single people are too often stigmatized and stereotyped. Our society views being single as generally regrettable. Whether it is those well-meaning “aunties” worried about your marriage-worthy age or your coupled friends who assume the role of match-maker, there never seems to be a shortage of people trying to address your personal life.
To my comrades in the singlehood, it’s all good. Don’t let yourself be influenced by the expectations of other. There is no one right path. Go with the flow that works best for you.
I think; therefore, I am…good in the singlehood.